update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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