If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
