I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
