since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
