and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
