sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
