i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
