Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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