Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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