you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize