Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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