Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
