Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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