she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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