just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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