Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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