Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize