New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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