FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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