Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
