If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
