he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
