I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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