Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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