I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You can't special order awesome
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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