someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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