we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
