I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
