Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
