i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
