i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
