please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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