dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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