I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
