either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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