last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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