She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
