What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
