I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
