Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
