If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
