I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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