Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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