ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize