What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
