): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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