my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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