I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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