I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't want my vagina anymore.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
