we have pet lesbian snakes
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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