Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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