so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
