you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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