Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my shit smells like andre
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
