the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
there is glitter all over my balls
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